nanovivid

This may be the last chance I get to blog from the house I grew up in, so I’m going to take advantage of it. We’re here because my dad is getting remarried this evening (congratulations, dad!).

Last night was the rehearsal, of course, followed by a delicious dinner catered by amazing caterers who must have had magic powers. There were only two of them, but somehow they were everywhere at once and managed to keep everyone’s drinks full and empty plates cleared immediately.

Now we’re at my dad’s house, enjoying the wonderful dial-up one last time. It’s weird realizing that I’ll probably never be coming back here again. Even though I haven’t lived in this house for years, there’s still part of me that is going to miss it.

♫ Tim Hecker - Rainbow Blood

It’s never going to be normal that you’re gone. I still miss you, mom. Happy Mother’s Day.

I still can’t believe it’s been a year. When I stop ignoring and pushing my feelings away, it still hurts just as much as it did that day. I miss you, mom.

There’s one song that has affected me more than any other. I still tear up every time I hear it.

please don’t think the world has taken the best of you or me i know the love that’s in your eyes was there when the sky fell over me

– Shiny Toy Guns - Sky Fell Over Me

♫ The Album Leaf - Wet The Day

In line at Subway today, the lady at the counter asked me what I was doing for my mom for mothers day. I wanted to tell her, “My mom died a year ago this Sunday, you inconsiderate fuckhead.” and then burst into tears.

Instead I just said “I don’t know yet.” and she did the Men Are So Inconsiderate laugh with another lady in line.

I hate mothers day.

As someone coming out of a conservative southern Christian background (though not Southern Baptist), this analysis of southern conservatism really rings true with me. I especially understand the parts about the “Us vs. Them” mentality and the ideas of spiritual warfare ala Frank Peretti (yeah, I have to admit that I read these books back in high school). I definitely still appreciate the values of Christianity (forgiveness, love everyone around you) but I’m glad to have left the culture.

♫ Paul Van Dyk - Live 7-31-2004

Even though I’m still torn up inside and I fear for the future, life will go on.

♫ The Echoing Green - Apology

I’m so incredibly nervous and sad about the election. God, I just don’t want to think about four more years of the same. Shit shit shit.

Oh, and to add insult to injury, Issue 1 passed. See the end of the previous paragraph for my insightful commentary.

11:30 am: Kerry conceded. And it’s my state’s fault. Fuckity fuck fuck.

♫ I Love You But I've Chosen Darkness - Your Worst Is The Best

So why did I decide to up and move to Ohio, anyway? After all, I had a job that I enjoyed, and I liked the area in which I lived. Well, there was this one little issue called “potentially getting fired.”

When I first started working at my previous job (I’m not going to name the college, but just know that it’s a “Christian” one), I hadn’t accepted being gay. I was still of the mindset that God wanted me to be celibate and resist the desires I felt. However, events were set in motion that lead to my acceptance of my sexuality as part of myself.

This created a bit of a dilemma, since the college had (and still has) a policy against gay people working there. I managed to deal with it for a while longer, but the situation got even more complicated when Bryan and I started dating. Now I was (more clearly than ever) in violation of the policy, and I came to see that no matter how much I loved my job, it was only hurting me to hold on.

Finally, I agreed with Bryan that I should get away, so we figured out a moving date and… here I am. :-)

♫ Ben Kweller - Make It Up

This whole moving thing is kind of starting to freak me out. Undoubtedly the biggest reason is leaving my job — for a couple reasons. For one thing, I’ve had this job in one form or another for almost six years. That’s about a fourth of my life… quite the long time. I’m also a bit worried that I’ll have trouble finding another job that I enjoy as much as my current one.

The latter reason is actually the stronger fear I have. My job has been this close ::holds up thumb and forefinger:: to perfect. I love the people I work with and the atmosphere of the workplace. It’s been almost the best first job I could ever imagine, if it weren’t for the reason that I’m leaving (more on that after next week). I think my expectations for a job are now set fairly high, and I’m concerned that anything else won’t measure up.

In other news, I’ve started working on my cover letter to go with my resumé as I apply to various colleges and such. The resumé will also go on Monster. Having never applied for a job before (since I my current one is a continuation of my workstudy and summer job) this is all a wee bit stressful.

Though I’m sure it’ll all work out, I’m still stepping from everything I know into a pile of uncertainties. In fact, it feels a bit like this. But now I need to get back to work.

♫ Lostep - Burma

Life is a crazy thing — unpredictable and beautiful. A year ago, I never would have expected that at the end of this month, I would be quitting my current job and moving to Ohio. I feel a little crazy for doing this without a new job lined up, but more than anything I feel strongly that I’m doing the right thing. The time has come for me to move on into new experiences and I’m totally excited (and scared) by all the possibilities.

This will only be the second time I’ve moved since leaving home (the first was here to college). Leaving behind everything I know is pretty intimidating, but thankfully I have a good guide to help me find my way around.

Things are looking up, and I’m happy and terrified all at once. So buckle your seat belts, because it’s going to be crazy ride.

♫ Felix Da Housecat - Watching Cars Go By (from Sasha's amazing new album, Involver)