nanovivid

FYI: the memorial service for my mom will be this Friday at 1pm. Email me for location details if you want to come.

♫ Devics - Don't Take It Away

Bryan and I were talking while he was here and I finally told him what I’ve been afraid to say. He’s always told me that he knows he wants to be with me forever, but I was just never sure. I realized that I really can’t imagine spending my life with anyone else… and since we both feel that way, we’re going to move forward on this level. Which, if we were a hetero couple, would mean we’re engaged. Wow. And here I am, the guy who about a year ago said he’d never date anyone. And I’m pretty much engaged. Crazy. In a very very good way.

♫ Death Cab For Cutie - We Looked Like Giants

There’s no easy way I can find to segue into this, so I’ll just drop it. Last Saturday evening my mom found rest from her battle with cancer. It’s so strange that she’s gone… I wish I could be with her one more time and just see her smile. I’ve never lost anybody this big in my life before. What has surprised me is that it’s not the big things that are hard to deal with — I’m doing fine at work and regular life — it’s those little moments when I’m caught off guard. It’s hearing Beautiful Day and thinking about how beautiful the sunrise was last Friday. It’s seeing a flower that reminds me of her. It’s the re-realization that she’s… gone.

In all the difficulty and sadness, I do have one gladness to which I am clinging. On Thursday, my dad called and said that mom was doing much worse. I knew right away that I had to go be with mom, so I packed up and went. It’s one of the best decisions I ever made. When I arrived on Thursday, she was still fairly alert, and I got to say some things that I really needed to say. I stayed up all night on Thursday and Friday watching her and giving her medicine. I’m so fortunate that I had the chance to say goodbye… though it doesn’t make it easy, just slightly easier than it would have been otherwise.

Right now, I’m listening to sad songs because I need it. Ultimately, I’m somehow finding these moments of sadness to be healing.

Comments are off on this entry, because I don’t want anyone to feel awkward — like you have to say something. If you do have something to say email me or if you have my number, give me a call. Thanks to everyone who has already been amazing in their support. I haven’t responded to your emails, but know that I have read them and appreciated them greatly.

Happy (belated) Mother’s Day, mom. I love you.

♫ Rubicon 7 - Tomorrow In Your Arms

I can’t believe I missed it!

The decision is in: sometime in the fall (probably around October) I’m going to be moving to Cleveland. There are still a lot of details to work out, but I’m excited… and scared. The thing I’m looking forward to most of all is not needing to worry about keeping part of my life a secret any more. That will be such a relief. Oh, and being close to Bryan will be nice too. ;-)

Don’t pass the news around too much… my family doesn’t know yet and neither does anyone at work. So keep it on the dl until I say otherwise.

Big changes ahead, kids.

♫ Joy Electric - Starcadia

“We don’t receive wisdom; we must discover it for ourselves after a journey that no one can take for us or spare us.”

♫ The Album Leaf - Last Time Here