nanovivid

Life is ironic. Yesterday I was talking to Jeremiah about this whole "faith crisis" thing and I said "… but it could all change tomorrow." And you know what… it almost has. It’s not that all of a sudden my former faith is restored… but I’m starting to believe again. See, Bart Campolo came and spoke today at chapel and what he had to say made a lot of sense to me — in fact, at many points he could have been speaking straight to me. One thing he talked about was what happens when it becomes impossible for you to keep believing the same way you always have and his experience with that. It is so encouraging for me to realize that it’s possible to go through huge changes in theology without losing faith.

Quick note: now that I finally sit down to write about this, it’s not quite as emotional as I expected it to be. I’ve never felt on the verge of tears as many times in one day before. Every time I started to think about what Bart said in chapel I would have to push it away because I needed to be functional at work. It’s a relief to let that shield down.

Part of my faith crisis has come from the realization that there was a huge disconnect between what I believed and how I lived. I believed in a God who loved everyone, who cared for the poor and needy. But I lived like God was a rulebook, like knowing God put me in an exclusive club that I wanted to keep others out of. Something had to break.

You don’t wake up one morning and say, "Hey, I think it would be fun to become unorthodox and believe differently from most people I know. Having a different understanding of God and salvation that will make a lot of people think I’m a heretic would be great!" Re-evaluating faith happens once it’s impossible to stay in the same place any longer. I doubt I’ll ever again reach a place where I say "this is what I believe and nothing is going to change it." But I can say now that I do believe in a loving God… one who loves everyone and I’m hoping there’s a chance that mercy can triumph over judgement. I believe that Jesus is the way, the truth, and the life. I’m just not so sure (and here comes the sticky part) about the eternal damnation thing any more. I want to believe in a God whose love is big enough to overcome any obstacle. Sure, if someone rejects that love, they’re not going to heaven, I’ll agree with that. But I don’t want a God who gives up on people and sends them to hell forever because they didn’t say the magic words before their time on earth was up.

Those are not easy things to say. They’re not thoughts I want to think. I really really want to think orthodox evangelical thoughts. But that’s not being honest. This is being honest. This is where I am. And it’s baby steps toward believing and beginning to live again as a follower of Jesus. I’m finding a God to love and who loves me (and everyone) — not for what I do but just because that’s the way it is.

If what I’m believing now makes me not a christian to some people, then so be it. I’m starting to falter after Jesus again, and I like to think that’s what matters, not that I get my theology just right. None of this is nailed down anyways. But at least I’m moving.

I think that just maybe this prodigal is starting to find a way back. More than ever, Massivivid’s Boomerang resonates with me…

you’re going down boy
i’m hot on your heels
i’ve been chasing you for what feels like years
and everybody knows that i’m prone to get my way
you better watch your thunder its the first thing i’m gonna steal
keep an eye on your wonder it’s the only thing that’s real

you’ll be back

you’re beautiful trying to get yourself born
you’re beautiful and it’s stitched into every pore
and it’s painful to watch you headlong into the black
but if i don’t let you go, you won’t be back.

you know it’s time boy
you’re losing the plot
i’ve been chasing you, is that all you’ve got
look over your shoulder and realize that my eyes are on you
you’re fantastically iconoclastic
and drastically reducing all you know to plastic
you’re spastic and elastic and now
i’m gonna smash you apart.

you’re beautiful trying to get yourself born
you’re beautiful and it’s stitched into every pore
and it’s painful to watch you headlong into the black
but if i don’t let you go, you won’t be back.

To close, a quote from LaDonna Witmer:

I don’t worship so much with uplifted palms and hymns as I do… with burning questions and anguished, soul-ravaged confessions. That, to me, is real. Yes, there are moments of joy and happy thoughts. But there is also an almost inappropriate honesty. And I like to believe that God finds both equally satisfying…